PtQ in a Nutshell
by Minerva McTabby
Summary: Friendly parody of "Pawn to Queen" - a Snape/Hermione fic by Riley. Goes up to PtQ Chapter 25. Warning: this parody is full of spoilers, and won't make sense if you haven't read PtQ.
1. Chapters 1-19

This is a friendly parody of _Pawn to Queen_ (PtQ) - a Snape/Hermione fic written by Riley in 2001-02. These Nutshell chapters were originally posted on WIKTT (When I Kissed The Teacher, the SS/HG Yahoo-group) in October-December 2001, for fun and fangirling. Riley read Nutshell and liked it.

**This parody contains lots of spoilers, and it won't make sense if you haven't read PtQ.**

Dedicated to Riley and all the characters who play in her brain.

[I solemnly swear that I'm up to no disrespect for the work of J.K. Rowling or Riley's PtQ. And I'm not making a Knut off this.]

*************************  
PtQ in a Nutshell  
The Condensed Version for Busy Witches  
by Minerva McTabby  
*************************

PROLOGUE

Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor apiece - and, I think, a detention for Miss Granger.

Herm: I can't believe this is happening.

Snape: Actually, you're the best student I've ever had, and I want you as my research assistant. I will now say a lot of unflattering but true things about Slytherin.

Herm: Now I really can't believe this is happening. You must be a double agent!

Snape: Prepare yourself for many, many more shocks as the story unfolds, Miss Granger...

* * *

CHAPTER 1

[Multiple detentions later...]

Herm: I'm rather enjoying this research, plus I'm getting very good at verbally demolishing Slytherins. But my friends just don't understand me... Still, I'm going home for Christmas - nice, safe trip on the Hogwarts Express - what could possibly go wrong?

Snape: [brief rant about the fine art of being cruel to the right students] - Oh! I've been invited to a Death Eater party. What could possibly go right?

* * *

CHAPTER 2

Lucius Malfoy: Welcome to my party. Help yourself to a Mudblood.

Herm: Of all the people to see me tied up naked... it just had to be Snape.

Snape: We're in deep shit. But wait - I have a brilliant idea!

Herm: I'd better play along, or it's 50 points from Gryffindor, right?

Snape: Look at me...

Herm: I want you, Professor Snape.

Snape: Merlin's balls! We're in deeper shit than I realized.

* * *

CHAPTER 3

Herm: I'm feeling shocked, traumatized, and deeply embarrassed. I hate Lucius Malfoy. Hmm... Snape is really rather nice, not to mention skillful. And I desperately want to do that again, but I'm squicked.

Snape: I'm feeling guilty, tortured, and deeply embarrassed. I hate Lucius Malfoy. Hmm... Granger is really quite intelligent, not to mention nubile. And I desperately want to do that again, but I'm squicked.

Dumbledore: Sounds like you're made for each other. Off you go. Don't step in the phoenix droppings.

* * *

CHAPTER 4

Herm: Permit me to cry in your arms in front of an open fire.

Snape: Permit me to explain this intriguing chess metaphor about personal growth.

Herm: I get it! And thank Merlin it wasn't an Exploding Snap metaphor...

Snape&Herm: Let's meet again soon and fight evil together.

Snape: By the way, beware of the house-elves.

* * *

CHAPTER 5

Snape: Drugs. Cold shower. Now.

* * *

CHAPTER 6

Herm: Food. Hot bath. Now.

* * *

CHAPTER 7

Herm: Listen, guys, last night I was kidnapped by Lucius Malfoy and rescued by Snape.

Ginny: Flashbacks! I'm having flashbacks!

Harry: Voldemort, I'll get you for this.

Ron: That doesn't mean you like Snape now, does it?

Herm: Ummm....

[Shift to chambers of Severus Snape, author of "101 Things to Do in Bed With a Quetxal"]

Snape: I went to a Dark Revel last night... and I have horrible hair... and I hate myself. But I do have the world's coolest bathroom.

Esme: And the world'ssssss mosssssst tactile familiar. Damn thesssssse featherssssss...

* * *

CHAPTER 8

Herm: Thanks for shadowing me everywhere for days, guys (not). This history of house-elves is fascinating! - a mixture of imps and djinn... and what's this about a missing grammar gene...

Ron: You really couldn't research the history of Quidditch instead? -And can we please get out of this library already?

Herm: And he still wonders why I don't want to date him.

[Christmas morning]

Herm: Wow, a Concealment Cloak! The perfect accessory for a Weasley sweater.

[...Christmas feast, Snape fix, mysterious catfight between Hogwarts teaching staff...]

Herm: Thanks for the Concealment Cloak, it's the best I've ever not seen. Let's have another warm meaningful hug.

[Readers: ...*sigh*...]

Snape: Permit me to be sarcastic to you - in a totally necessary, educational, and disturbingly sexy manner.

Herm: I can deal with that. Focus on the chess metaphor. I'll be back for more!

Snape: Oh, I may regret teaching you, that I truly might.

[Readers: No. No, you won't. Trust us. *snicker*]

* * *

CHAPTER 9

Concealed Herm: Professor Snape?

Snape: They charged me 100 Galleons extra for that erotic whispering feature, but it was worth it.

Snape&Herm: [Repartee. Shared intellectual interests. Draco ferret jokes. Repartee.]

Snape: She's beautiful, and brilliant, and she reminds me of my mother...

Herm: His great-aunt Esmeralda the Transformer mutated the imp-djinn into house-elves! Wicked.

Snape&Herm: We're greatly enjoying ourselves in this part of the story, and send our compliments to the Author!

* * *

CHAPTER 10

Snape: I have spoken sharply to the revolting Malfoy-spawn (thus getting rid of any rabid Draco/? shippers who were still with us). Now for the nicest thing I've ever done in a Potions class...

Herm: You're a Slytherin - and you're not an evil, snobbish Malfoy supporter?!

Blaise: You're a Gryffindor - and you're not a relentlessly cheerful Quidditch groupie airhead?!

Herm&Blaise: Gifted witches have more fun!!! See you in the library.

[Shift to the Serpents' Den...]

Blaise: I'm rather attractive, ferociously intelligent, and Slytherin to the core. I know lots of curses and quite a bit about money. You'll be seeing plenty more of me. Now, why did Cousin Severus want me to meet that Gryffindor?

Teasdale Twins: Let's just walk into this scene and be incredibly cute... Hello, we're your lovely young confidants, what's the problem of the day? And we hate Draco too.

[Readers: Love those twins! They're so damn cute.]

* * *

CHAPTER 11

[Slytherins and Gryffindors start hanging out in the library.]

Herm: I never thought I'd say this, but thank Merlin for Quidditch!

Blaise: Couldn't agree more. On with the nerd-witch chat.

[Shift to Snape's dungeon chambers...]

Snape: In a touching display of trust, I'm introducing you to my familiar.

Herm: Merlin's earwax! That's the second-weirdest thing I've ever seen.

Esme: What did you ekssssssspect - a Blasssssst-Ended Sssssskrewt?

[Readers: Now we *all* want a talking feather boa...]

* * *

CHAPTER 12

[Slytherins and Gryffindors continue hanging out in the library.]

Harry&Ron&Ginny&Catlin&Florian: Quaffle.... Cannons... Keeper... Beater... Firebolt... Snitch... Bludger... Seeker... Chaser... Quidditch... Quidditch... Quidditch...

Herm: To my vast relief, Ron is falling for a nice Quidditch girl. Meanwhile, I'm off to give a quetxal some roller-skates. Everyone who thinks my life is more interesting than Ron's, clap your hands.

[Readers: *wild applause*]

Snape: I care about you, and I really hated Harry's father.

Herm: I'm gratified, confused, and strangely aroused.

Roller Esme: [*crash*] Thissssss issssss ekssssssellent! [*crash*]

* * *

CHAPTER 13

Herm: All is well - Ron is giving Catlin a Valentine, and while happy couples go to Hogsmeade I'll spend the whole day in the lab. What could possibly go wrong?

Snape: Potter! Twenty points from Gryffindor for unseemly public behavior - and for introducing a mushy H/G ship into this Snapefic.

Herm: ???

* * *

CHAPTER 14

Ron: Hermione's acting peculiar. And I still hate Snape.

Ginny&Harry: Oh shut up, Ron!

[Readers: Yes, you're not winning any new fans here!]

[Later that day, in Hogsmeade...]

Blaise&Florian&Ginny&Harry&Catlin&Ron: ...Paganism... Quidditch... Money... Lust...

Cho Chang: Hello Potter - the Boy Who Killed Cedric! Hanging out with the Dark Side again?

Harry: [*severe angst*]

Florian&Ginny&Catlin&Ron: ??? !!!

Blaise: [***ProtectionMode***] That's got rid of her.

Florian&Ginny&Harry&Catlin&Ron: How did you do that?

Blaise: Combination of magic, hormones, and chutzpah. Long story.

[Meanwhile, back in the dungeons...]

Herm: I've just started a confrontation by mentioning Harry Potter.

Snape: And I've just explained about Lily Evans, latent strega.

Herm: She could have killed Voldemort?!

Snape: Sexist Gryffindors... damn Quidditch jocks... Ginny and Potter... [*flashbacks*] [*angst*]

Herm: Severus...

Snape: Strega.

Herm: He kissed my hand!

[Readers: He kissed her hand!!!! *gasp* *swoon* *thud!*]

[Roller Esme: Jusssssst ssssssnog already, Sssssseverusssss....]

* * *

CHAPTER 15

Blaise: Cunning plan in place! If anybody says one more word about Harry and the Dark...

Cho Chang: One more word about Harry and the Dark.

Harry: Would all of you like to know the truth?

Blaise&Herm&Ron&Flor&Cat&Ginny: Witches and wizards of Hogwarts! Please sit back, relax, and take in the Slyffindor Seven's spectacular multimedia presentation of...

*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*

* DIGGORY'S DEATH FOR DUMMIES *

* See Potter. *  
* See Diggory. *  
* Potter and Diggory are friends. *

* See Voldemort. See Wormtail. *  
* See Wormtail kill. *  
* Die, Diggory, die! *  
* Bad Voldemort. *

* Potter can duel. *  
* See Potter duel. *  
* See Diggory the Friendly Ghost. *  
* Run, Potter, run! *

*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*

[Amidst general rejoicing and inter-house bonding...]

Herm: Oh no! I forgot about the chess metaphor! What have I done?

Draco Malfoy: No names. Nice work. Permit me to tickle a randomly-selected erogenous zone and insinuate vilely. Thanks. Ciao!

Herm: That's so weird... For a moment there I could have sworn he was wearing... leather pants... [*slaps herself*] Stop that! Wrong fic!

* * *

CHAPTER 16

Concealed Herm: Professor Snape?

Snape: Oh do come in, Miss Granger - I wasn't busy at all - I was just KISSING MY ASS GOODBYE!!!

Herm: But -

Snape: [*snarly mode*]

Herm: Malfoy thought it was cool.

Snape: [*gobsmacked mode*]

Herm: Edited memories, no names, all a good Dark plot, OK?

Snape: [*guilty mode*]

Herm: Someone really ought to sit on your lap and be nice to you.

[Readers: Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!.....]

Snape: [*exhausted mode*]

Herm: Guess what - Malfoy found one of my erogenous zones - I seem to have a surprising number of them these days...

Snape: [*jealous mode*]

Herm: ...and it felt rather good. Any ideas?

Snape: [*manual mode*]

Herm: That's the spot! Oh, yes!

Snape: [*cautiously passionate mode*]

Herm: According to "Hogwarts, a History" pp. 762-79, this thumb-licking technique was first tried by Rowena Ravenclaw on Salazar Slytherin. Effective, isn't it?

Snape: [*remorseful mode*]

[Readers: Noooooo! Don't change modes NOW! Aaargh! DAMN.]

Snape: [*serious mode*]

Herm: No one's ever kept my hair in crystal before. I'm not sure if that's romantic or a bit paranoid... but I like it!

Snape: [*sad and lonely mode*]

[stray Boggart emerges from cupboard, takes one look at Snape and flees, shrieking]

Esme: That wassssss a lot of modessssss tonight, Sssssseverussssss.

Snape: Part of being the multifaceted, dark, mysterious, slightly dangerous and fascinating central character no good psychfic can do without. It's in my contract.

[Next evening, after dinner...]

Snape: I'm off to see the Dark Lord. Don't wait up... unless, that is, you have strong feelings for me and a strange premonition of trouble.

* * *

CHAPTER 17

[Severus Snape Apparates into a Malfoy cellar.]

Snape: Merlin's spit. I *hate* these Death Eater performance reviews. Oh well, let's get it over with...

Voldemort: Come forward, my Death Eater. What'll it be?

Snape: Er, just the usual, thanks - my Lord.

Voldemort: Ah - sadistic mind games and verbal humiliation. How's that?

Snape: Great, your You-Know-Whoness! I'm scared sick and all yours. Really.

Voldemort: Somehow, I'm not convinced... Severus, you have a bad attitude. And what happens to Death Eaters with a bad attitude? Hmmm?

Malfoy&Parkinson&Avery: They get a jolly good cursing, my Lord!

Voldemort: That's right! Severus, bend over. Crucio!

Snape: Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!

Voldemort: Somebody get me a margarita while we wait. A large, evil one.

[After a ghastly interval...]

Voldemort: You have such pretty hands, Severus. Lovely long fingers. Are you sure you're not part-Grindylow?

Snape: Aaah... err.. no, just a trace of Boggart blood, on my mother's side...

Voldemort: Yes, it would be a shame if anything happened to these hands... Ooops. Something just did.

Malfoy&Parkinson&Avery: [*evil sycophantic sniggering*]

Voldemort: Severus, work on that attitude. Patricia, Jeremiah - work on Severus. Lucius - you're with me, it's sushi bar night. Ciao!

Parkinson&Avery: So how about it? Power of pleasure demo? Pleeeeaaase...

Snape: You can't be serious - oh, Merlin's barf, all right then! But I'd like to make it clear that I feel like shit, I'd rather do it with a Dementor, and I will definitely not respect either of you in the morning.

* * *

CHAPTER 18

Oprah: Drama in the dungeons: today's story is all about strong emotions, razors, and intrepid quetxals. For the first time on TV - Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts, here to talk about Chapter 18 of Riley's PtQ.

[Professor Snape strides out on stage, black robes billowing. Wild applause from the audience. Cheers and wolf-whistles from large group in the front rows, all wearing "SLYTHERINSIDE" t-shirts.]

Oprah: So, Severus, this must have been a really tough chapter for you. Were you nervous at all?

Snape: It was challenging, certainly. Still, I felt I'd done well with the angst in Chapter 5 - and it was quite a relief to get through Chapter 17 - so I did feel reasonably confident going into this one.

Oprah: Was there a lot of pain involved?

Snape: [*sneer*] You might consider inviting Voldemort on the show next time, and personally sampling the Cruciatus Curse.

Oprah: Er, right... Moving on to the bath scene - what did that feel like?

Snape: Intense, very intense. Shock, self-disgust, guilt - and that bloody Dark Mark engraved on my arm - well, I got rather carried away there -

Oprah: So when you picked up the razor, you weren't really trying to kill yourself, were you?

Snape: No, I was just out of my skull on post-Cruciatus effects and did something incredibly stupid.

Oprah: Which left you lying in the bath bleeding to death.

Snape: That just about sums it up, yes.

Oprah: [to the audience] We did try to get hold of Riley for this show - but she's busy writing the next chapters, and said something about "RL" -

Audience: Ohhhhhh....

Oprah: - so please welcome our next two guests today - Hermione Granger and Esme the quetxal!

[More wild applause as Hermione walks out and sits down next to Snape. Esme skates out gracefully and arranges herself on a chaise-longue. The Slytherinsiders are now stamping their feet and chanting "Esme rocks!"]

Oprah: Esme, you're the heroine of this chapter, no doubt about that. How was it for you?

Esme: Sssssstressssssful. But I'd do anything for Sssssseverussssss.

Oprah: And the question on everyone's lips - how did you get up the stairs of Gryffindor tower?

Esme: Ssssssimple. I bit down on Crookshankssssss' tail and he pulled me up the sssssstairssssss - the Fat Lady wassssss laughing sssssso hard, she let ussssss in sssssstraight away.

Oprah: Incredible. And Hermione - you took the news well, I thought - no panic. Now you're rushing down to the dungeons - tough moment, lots of pressure - how are you handling it?

Hermione: Well, I was pretty shaken up by Chapter 16, but I'm okay now - I mean, I'm really focused and feeling ready for whatever happens next.

Oprah: That's quite a cliffhanger there. Do you think you'll save Severus?

Hermione: [*smile*] It's all up to Riley, of course. But I'm certainly looking forward to the next chapter.

Oprah: Aren't we all! Thanks for joining us here today, and good luck!

[Hermione and Snape hold hands. Audience cheers. Fade out.]

* * *

[As Esme races to Gryffindor Tower...]

Filch: What the skrewt was THAT?!

Mrs Norris: (???)

Filch: Sort of like a snake... on wheels... on Canary Creams...

Mrs Norris: (Bird fantasy. Mixed with basilisk flashback. Not good.)

Filch: I gotta stop snorting that stuff Peeves sells.

Mrs Norris: (No more catnip. Not tonight. Not ever again.)

* * *

CHAPTER 19

To the tune of "Summer Nights" from GREASE.

SAVING SEVERUS  
[with Snape as Danny, Hermione as Sandy, Esme singing the T-Birds, and Crookshanks as the Pink Ladies]

Snape: Hurt 'n' Comfort - I nearly died  
Herm: Hurt 'n' Comfort - ran to his side

Snape: I cut a vein (careless of me)  
Herm: Found a Snape, pale as could be

Herm&Snape: Cruci-o, bad way to go - ah, oh - Saving Severus!

Esme: Wella-Wella-Wella-UH  
Tell me more, Tell me more  
aren't you glad I can roll?

Crookshanks: Tell me more, Tell me more  
did you just take control?

Crookshanks: Uh-Uh  
Esme: Doo-Doo  
Crookshanks: Uh-Uh  
Esme: Doo-Doo  
Crookshanks: Uh-Uh  
Esme: Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo

Snape: Sanguination - total success  
Herm: Levitation in a state of undress

Snape: I woke in bed, feeling quite sore  
Herm: Fifty points for Gryffindor?

Herm&Snape: Lucky Snape, narrow escape - ah, oh - Saving Severus!

Crookshanks: Wella-Wella-Wella-UH  
Tell me more, Tell me more  
is he really all right?

Esme: Tell me more, Tell me more  
issssss sssssshe sssssstaying the night?

Crookshanks: Dum doobie doo doobie doo doobie doobie doobie dum  
Esme: Uh Uh-Uh Uh-Uh Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh Uh

Snape: What a feeling - hands on my spine  
Herm: Kind of healing he couldn't decline

Snape: Spilled my guts - talking at last  
Herm: Slightly nuts - man with a past

Herm&Snape: Getting deep, pause for a sleep - ah, oh - Saving Severuuuuus!

Esme&Crookshanks: WOH-WOH-WOH

Esme: Tell me more, Tell me more  
think I jusssssst ssssshed a tear

Crookshanks: Tell me more, Tell me more  
where's the cat food 'round here?

Esme&Crookshanks: Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop YAH

Herm: I got busy uncursing his hand  
Snape: My reaction was entirely unplanned

Herm: Clever me, I invented a spell  
Snape: Merlin's balls! it worked really well

Herm&Snape: Nicely done (and it was fun) - ah, oh - Saving Severuuuuus!

Esme&Crookshanks: WOH WOH WOH

Crookshanks: Tell me more, Tell me more  
hey, I've slept like a log

Esme: Tell me more, Tell me more  
will you two ever ssssssnog?!

Herm: I turned bolder, moving a square  
Snape: So I told her as much as I dare

Herm: Made him blush - strega knows how  
Snape: Wonder what I'll call her now?

Herm&Snape: Slytherin, under the skin - That's

Everyone: OH

Herm&Snape: Saved Se-e-ve-ruuuuuuuus....!

Esme&Crookshanks&Readers: Tell me more, Tell me MOOOOOOOOORE.....!

[end singing]

Herm: Severus, why are you smiling like that?

Snape: Just remembering that the Dark Lord promised to do BOTH my hands next time. *VBEG*

* * *

WAITING FOR PtQ  
(in between chapters)

[A gathering somewhere in the PtQ universe...]

Snape: We, the characters of PtQ, are filing a workers' compensation lawsuit.

Blaise: Right! We're all suffering from fic-related stress here.

Ron: We're mad as hell and we ain't gonna take it any more!

Everyone: Shut up, Ron! [*all hex him*]

Herm: Whom shall we sue first?

Crookshanks: Riley. She got us into this! And she shows no sign of stopping.

Draco: And she's refused to make me a nice guy, like in all the trendy fics.

Snape: What about her betas?

Herm: Oh yes, definitely. For prolonging the agony.

Readers: Say "Oh yes" again, Hermione! Go on, say it... pleeeeease?

Snape: We're certainly suing the readers! I have a constant sense of their expectations hovering around me, like a cloud... especially around certain parts of me... most distracting. And stressful.

Herm: [interested] Which parts of you, Severus?

Readers: His hands!!!!!! [*wave of giggles across the Internet*]

Dobby&Wimpy: We is wanting sue Esmeralda the Transformer!

Snape: Just shut up, both of you, and serve the cocktails! And not another word out of you till you have your verbs right.

Esme: That parodisssssst getssssss it too.

Voldemort: [*nodding grimly*] We'll get them all. They'll be sorry they ever messed with our heads.

Harry: Aaargh! What's *he* doing here? My scar hurts!

Ginny: Sssshh, Harry dearest, this is an equal opportunity lawsuit. Don't worry about Voldie. Let's snog.

Florian: [*grabbing Blaise*] Great idea! Let's all snog!

Catlin: [*unhexing Ron*] Pucker up, my hopelessly immature sweetie!

Esme: What'ssssss new, pusssssssycat? Come over and sssshare my basssssket...

Voldemort: [*grabbing Draco*] Damn, I never could resist leather pants...

Herm: Well, Severus... there's only you and me not snogging.

Snape: Looks like it. Should we...?

Herm: But you know what happens whenever we get anywhere near snogging...

Snape: Right. There's a crisis, or one of us has a squick attack... or the chapter ends.

Herm: That's another reason for this lawsuit! Going without snogging for this long is very stressful indeed.

Snape: Come here.

Herm: Oh, yes...

Riley: [*running in*] Okay, everyone - back to work! New chapters coming up!

Readers: Yaaaaaay Riley!

Snape&Herm: $#&$&%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Chapter 20

*************************  
PtQ in a Nutshell  
The Condensed Version for Busy Witches  
by Minerva McTabby  
*************************

CHAPTER 20

[Across the vibrant social and emotional landscape of Hogwarts...]

Herm: I'm still trying to figure out Severus...

Snape: I'm still feeling guilty, filthy, and depressed...

Dumbledore: I'm trying not to scare people with how wise and insightful I am...

Snape: I'm admitting the Patricia [*squick*] Parkinson incident...

Esme: I'm wondering if they know that feeding a quetssssssal is an honor and a privilege, not a moment of light relief. [*sssssniff*]

Student Chorus: The OWLs are coming, the OWLs are coming! Everyone study like crazy!

Blaise: Everyone except me. And I'll never have any trouble with men, either. I am strega, hear me roar.

[Meanwhile, in the dungeon laboratory...]

Herm: I don't get it - why can't we just Apparate over to another fic with a lycanthropy research sub-plot, and get the cure from them?

Snape: Think, Hermione - isn't it obvious that any formula obtained by a blatant crossover would be a Dark substance? Besides, all we need to get the final ingredient is *you*.

Herm: But I'm only a strikingly clever Gryffindor virg... Oh.

Snape: Yes, "oh". Hello there, unicorn-bait.

[Before long, Hermione is sitting in the Forbidden Forest with a unicorn's head in her lap...]

Unicorn: Of course, I'm not doing this because I actually *believe* you're a virgin.

Herm: You're not?

Unicorn: No way! You're Hermione Granger, after all - and I'm here because I wanted the inside scoop. So dish, already. Who are you shagging right now?

Herm: [*gasp*] Nobody! And I am so a virgin.

Unicorn: Oh, come off it! Do you think Magical Creatures don't read fan-fic? I know for a fact you've been with Harry...

Herm: I have not!

Unicorn: You have too! All the Centaurs are total H/H shippers. And you've done it with Ron -

Herm: I never!

Unicorn: Do you want the links to prove it? The Hippogriffs are wild for that one. And the Grindylows love those stories of you and Draco Malfoy -

Herm: Could you please shut up and bleed into this flask?

Unicorn: What about your big romance with Percy Weasley - the fave ship of the Cornish pixies - and that PWP threesome with Dumbledore and McGonagall -

Herm: STOP! Stop it! I'm not shagging anyone! I'm a real live virgin, and the only man I fancy is Severus, and you're the most perverted unicorn I've ever met.

Unicorn: Ooooh... Snape/Hermione. Wow! So it's official?

Herm: Well, it's a bit complicated... [*summarises 19 chapters of PtQ*]

Unicorn: I had *no* idea. You poor girl! Here, this might help...

Herm: Ow! It might have been polite to ask before piercing my right nipple.

Unicorn: Think of it as a Good Fic Award. And here's the blood you were after. Have a horn as well. Thanks so much for the story - oh, this is *huge* gossip - I'll be so popular! Best of luck - and thank you, thank you! [*cantering off*] Snape/Hermione! Snape/Hermione! Woo-hoo!

[Later, in Dumbledore's office...]

Dumbledore: My great wisdom and psychic powers tell me you're wearing a most unusual nipple-ring, Miss Granger. Did anything else pass between you and the unicorn, other than the request for blood?

Hermione: [*blushing*] Ah... I explained the plot to him, sir.

Snape: What, even Chapter 2? And Chapter 19?!

Dumbledore: Miss Granger, the twinkle in my eye tells me this unicorn-token is meant to demonstrate to the rest of the world that you're an extremely interesting character.

Snape: Well, some of us don't need to see her nipples to figure *that* out! - Er, what I meant was...

Herm: Don't worry about it. Here, I've been studying myself senseless for the OWLs - how about a bit of the old hurt/comfort in this direction?

Snape: Certainly. Sleeping draught. Chaise-longue. Hair-stroking.

Herm: Lovely. More, more!

Snape: Foot massage! Choc-chip cookies! Aromatherapy! Sonnets! Ice-cream! Chopin! Prozac!

Herm: Severus, how am I meant to vent my anger at you if you keep this up?


	3. Chapter 21

*************************  
PtQ in a Nutshell  
The Condensed Version for Busy Witches  
by Minerva McTabby  
*************************

CHAPTER 21

[Two young witches wander out of the library...]

Herm: Care for some girl talk?

Blaise: Fine. Just don't mention Quidditch or the OWLs.

Herm: Hmmm. Christianity versus the old religion?

Blaise: Followed by some strega, moira, and Voldie?

Herm: Excellent! So feminist polytheism is all political?

Blaise: Of course. Plus it burns calories, helps prevent cavities, and keeps your skin clear too.

[Later, as Blaise relaxes with a bit of light reading...]

Draco: Helloooo, Zabini! Permit me to soften you up with a quick Crossover Jinx. Now, how about a revolting experience?

Blaise: Malfoy. I thought I recognized your unique stench. Your mother is a hamster - and that Jinx is *contagious*, you idiot!

Draco: I'll get you, my pretty - and your little teddy bear, too!

Blaise: Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! I'm strega!

Draco: [*grabbing wand*] And I am Draco Malfoy of Evil!Paradigm. Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated.

Blaise: [*gasp*] But that trick never works! I'm strega... Doh!

Crabbe&Goyle: Who's on first?

Voiceover: Use the Force, Blaise.

Blaise: Make it so! [*wandless Stupefy*]

[As three bodies fall to the floor, Blaise rushes to find some place that's dark, private, and terribly evocative for Snape...]

Myrtle: I was strega too, you know.

Blaise: Eat my shorts.

Myrtle: I was! And look how much help that turned out to be, when a bloody great basilisk caught me in mid-pee. [*sob*]

Blaise: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. [*sob*]

Herm: Blaise, are you all right?

Blaise: NO!!! I'm channelling random crossovers and having Issues!

Herm: Oh - I'd better get Counselor Troi... I mean, Professor Snape.

Snape: What's the problem, flashback? I mean, cousin.

Blaise: Well, I was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens - no, no, STOP that! Cousin Severus - Malfoy attacked me!

Snape: Would you prefer your revenge shaken or stirred? I'll go contact his father and a couple of OCs who might be helpful.

Herm: And I'll tell you a very special story - it's got fighting, torture, revenge, chess, monsters, hands, escapes, true love, miracles...

Blaise: Fasten your seatbelts - it's going to be a bumpy ride.

* * *

[With apologies to Star Trek, Star Wars, All About Eve, The Simpsons, The Nanny, The Princess Bride, James Bond, Gone With the Wind, Wizard of Oz, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Abbott & Costello, and Monty Python.]


	4. Chapter 22

*************************  
PtQ in a Nutshell  
The Condensed Version for Busy Witches  
by Minerva McTabby  
*************************

CHAPTER 22

[As Hermione and Blaise move to a private bathing chamber...]

Herm: So what do you think of the Gryffindor bath foam flavors? We've got roses, cinnamon, leather, vinyl, bourbon, pizza, chocolate -

Blaise: I'll have the chicken soup. Ahhh... that's better.

[Wandless magic floats a rubber duck across the room.]

Blaise: Care to slither in with me?

Herm: Wait - I'm getting confused about the script - is this meant to be a sex-in-the-bath scene?

Blaise: Not as far as I know. Odd, isn't it? Here we are in Chapter 22, doing this fic's fourth bath scene, and still not a hint of foamy wet passion.

Herm: [*jumping into chicken soup*] Plenty of time, I guess. If this story runs to 130 chapters, the law of averages says there should be about twenty more bath scenes.

[Readers: We live in hope...]

Blaise: Permit me to express some strega angst.

Herm: Permit me to share some important background narrative.

Blaise: Cousin Severus did WHAT?!

Herm: You heard me. Lucius Malfoy. Dungeon. Hands. Pact. Quetxal.

Blaise: As Goddess is my witness, we'll never be Malfoyed again!

Herm: What she said. Only without the crossover thing.

[Meanwhile, Snape is busy networking...]

Snape: Your son just tried to attack Blaise Zabini.

Lucius Malfoy: Damn. First he slips a whoopee cushion under the Dark Lord - and now this! He's more Death Wish than Death Eater.

Snape: So you won't object to a revenge sub-plot?

Lucius Malfoy: Tell him to be afraid, very afraid.

Snape: Draco Malfoy just tried to attack your daughter.

Claire: I'll be right over. And by the time Blaise gets through with him, he'll wish he'd been Sorted into Hufflepuff.

Snape: Now all I have to do is write a polite note... "Dear Claudia, hope you're well, we have a stressed strega situation on our hands, the weather's been lovely, wish you were here. Regards, Severus." ...and send it off with this convenient phoenix. That's that. Finally, let me take a moment to wonder how Hermione feels about all this... and what she might look like in a bath...


	5. Chapter 23

*************************  
PtQ in a Nutshell  
The Condensed Version for Busy Witches  
by Minerva McTabby  
*************************

CHAPTER 23

Blaise: Do I still look like strega to you?

Florian: [*gulp*] Yes! You're stregalicious!

Snape: [*gulp*] Indeed! You're stregariffic!

Blaise: But what if I'm no longer superstregafragilisticexpialadocius? What if it only works on SRIGs [Strega-Raised Impressionable Guys]? Malfoy *shouldn't* have been able to do that! Damn, I'm really having Issues about this.

Snape: Cousin, your Issues are interfacing with my Issues.

Herm: Her Issues, his Issues, their Issues - all of them are reconfiguring *my* Issues.

Snape: This sounds like a mission for Claudia Teasdale.

Catlin&Florian: Blaise, permit us to walk behind you and guard you against any further Issues.

Blaise: Hermione - I think of you as a sister. That's strega slang for "gifted Muggle-born with interesting Issues and a rather nice body".

* * *

Herm: What happened to Claudia?  
[How do you do what you do to me?]

Snape: More than enough to send her into Myrtle's toilet.  
[I wish I knew.]

Herm: Permit me to place a gentle hand on your arm.  
[If I knew how you do it to me, I'd do it to you.]

Snape: Are you having dungeon flashbacks?  
[How do you do what you do to me? I'm feeling blue.]

Herm: Blaise and I are going after those Malfoys.  
[Wish I knew how you do it to me, but I haven't a clue.]

Snape: Thanks for not going after me as well.  
[You give me a feeling in my heart like an arrow passing through it. I suppose that you think you're very smart - ]

Herm: Don't thank me till I've figured out what I want from you.  
[Yes. But won't you tell me how do you do it?]

Snape: Whatever it is - you've only to ask.  
[How do you do what you do to me?]

Herm: According to "Hogwarts, a History" pp. 911-22, it's been over three centuries since a Slytherin last said those words. I'm touched.  
[I wish I knew.]

Snape&Herm: [If I knew how you do it to me, I'd do it to you!]

* * *

[Next day, in the Headmaster's office...]

Blaise: Mamma Bear! [*hug*]

Claire: Strega Junior! [*hug*]

Blaise: Oh Mamma, I haven't felt this bad since the day I lost my Strega Barbie. What if I can't do the voodoo that you do so well?

Claire: You're doing great, dear! Doesn't your magic necklace still play "Killer Queen" when you touch it?

Blaise: Yes... But what's the deal with this wandless magic thing?

Claire: See, for strega a wand is sort of like a training bra - and you've just sprouted D-cups, sweetie.

Blaise: Gosh! Well, I still have some Issues, but I feel much better. Dangerously so.

Dumbledore: You'll keep within the Hogwarts Revenge Rules, right?

Snape: Of course, since those were written by Salazar Slytherin, that still leaves you plenty of options...

Michael: I'm here for you, daughter. Anytime you want a hippogriff head in Malfoy's bed, you just say the word.

* * *

Dumbledore: You're doing a fine job, Severus.

Snape: May I take a vacation, immediately?

Dumbledore: No.

[Readers: Quite right! No rest for the WIKTT.]

* * *

With apologies to Beatles living and dead for the use of "How Do You Do" lyrics.


	6. Chapters 24-25

*************************  
PtQ in a Nutshell  
The Condensed Version for Busy Witches  
by Minerva McTabby  
*************************

CHAPTER 24

Snape: Take one nervous brat. Summon pissed-off parent. Sit back with a butterbeer. Showtime!

Lucius: Ah. Yes. My offspring with the Slytherin Deficiency Disorder. Care to explain why you're suddenly into tickling sleeping dragons?

Draco: Well, umm... it's sort of what you said as I was leaving...

Lucius: What? All I said was "Hogwarts can get cold, better pack a sweater."

Draco: Oh... er, I thought it was "Voldemort's getting old, better attack strega."

Snape: [*groan*]

Lucius: Gods! That's the *lamest* excuse I have *ever* heard. Draco, you're grounded!

Draco: But... but, Dad...

Lucius: No parties, dates, or Death Eater initiation till you've passed a hearing test, an I.Q. test, and the Zabini Revenge test.

Draco: Eeep!

Lucius: This is the worst blot on the family name since Claudius Malfoy's little accident with the Kneazle in 1863... Severus, do some attitude adjustment - I'm running late for squash with the Dark Lord. Ciao!

Draco: [*pureblood heir stress*]

Snape: [*aside*] Gaaah, I hate it when he looks at me with those big puppy-snake eyes... Time for The Talk. Draco, listen up. I'm only going to say this once. I am - but I'm not, of course. You might be, but you aren't; though he is, and I could be. But she was, so I am. You might not be... if she isn't - or is - and you do, or don't. I can't be, but you may be, though you don't have to be. But you should. And she can, and she will. However, if you do, and she doesn't, you might not be what he is, or I was and may be, and you may not have to become. Am I making myself clear?

Draco: Wow... that's very Zen, sir.

Snape: Either that or Nietzsche. No wonder I can never remember if my middle name is Angst or Agenda. Now get out.

* * *

CHAPTER 25

Draco: Hey, Zabini! I may be trying to turn over a new leaf here, but my image demands that I insult your baby bodyguards at least once.

Blaise: Don't be ridiculous - what you really want is to snog Florian - well, he's so adorable, doesn't everyone? [*demonstration*]

[Readers: *quick show of hands* Yep, at least half of us want to snog Florian! And the other half might consider it if he were older.]

Snape: Miss Zabini! Fifty points from Slytherin, for gratuitous snogging of a SRIG [Strega-Raised Impressionable Guy].

Blaise: [*fluffing up*] Oh, yeah? Well, fifty points from Slytherin for *not* snogging Hermione! Even though both of you - and the quetxal - and Goddess knows how many other people/creatures out there - are obviously *aching* for it to happen.

[Readers: From your mouth to Her ear. *crossing fingers*]

Snape: Guess it's time for me to remind you that being strega doesn't mean you can do anything you damn well please. You can't play around with Florian's feelings. And you most certainly can't take house points off me!

Blaise: [*sniff*] Oh, go ahead and rub it in! I *know* I'm only here as a device for exploring the riveting Issues in the torrid romance between Mr SRIG MagicHands and Miss GiftedGryff... I'll bet I don't even get any lines after [*cough*] Chapter 30. [*cough*]

Snape: Merlin's hangnail, if you start moaning about how tough it is to be an OC -

Blaise: I'm not an OC! I get mentioned in canon, dammit!

Snape: [*snerk*] Right. Let's see you be strega if you're androgynous, Mr/Miss Zabini Mystery.

Blaise: But I'm trying so hard to be a good supporting character... come on, you know I wouldn't have snogged Florian at all if the plot hadn't called for you to have another flashback about your mother!

Snape: Fair enough... Look, cousin, what say we forget the house points - you think over what I said about SRIGs, and I'll put in a good word for you with the Author.

Blaise: [*beaming*] And you think about what you'd like to do with Hermione, right? Needs, wants, power, revenge, requests, that sort of thing.

Snape: Don't worry. Every single neuron not dedicated to Potions or Death Eaters is already working on that one.

* * *

Herm: Oh my, I have *so* many wants and needs... Whatever am I going to do with this power thing? Hi Blaise, how was Snape?

Blaise: You're in luck. He's doing requests.

Herm: Super! I think I'll ask him to join S.P.E.W. - or be nice to Neville Longbottom - or wear Gryffindor colors for a week -

Blaise: [*WTF?*] Thank Circe I've got the revenge sub-plot to keep me busy; if I had to be the matchmaking type of OC in *this* fic, I'd go nuts, strega or not.

Herm: My ethics are telling me to do something clean and noble, but my guts keep babbling about snogging... am I making any sense at all?

Blaise: Hello? Earth to Hermione? Let's go to the library. I need to get a certain book, and you need to read the entire shelf I get it from.

* * *

Harry: Why has Malfoy crawled under the table?

Herm: That book. Ever read "Sex in Quidditch"?

[All the Quidditch players roll their eyes.]

Ginny: The Quidditch technique book that's sort of a cross between literary criticism and a sex manual: "The Phallic Symbolism of Broom Handling", "Simultaneous Scoring: Myth or Magic?", "Catch the Snitch Faster by Thinking of It As a Clitoris"... No serious player would be caught dead with that thing.

Herm: Plus it's quite insulting about anyone who *doesn't* play Quidditch - says we're sublimating - imagine! And as for spectators being the equivalent of voyeurs...

Ron: Excuse me, but this is meant to be revenge on Malfoy... how, exactly?

Herm: Well, it'll confuse the crap out of him. A specialty of strega, so I'm told.

Ginny: Two Sickles says Malfoy believes the chapter about pelvic thrusts as a substitute for Braking Charms.

Harry: [*grin*] I'm so looking forward to the next game against Slytherin...

* * *

With apologies to Sphinx for perverting her celebrated book title. She, like Riley, is free to hex me anytime.


End file.
